2013, October

those 4 letters and the journey in finding it.

so you’re both attracted to each other. then you love being around each other and your heart aches when they’re not there. you both want the same thing, present and future. at least you know that you want to be in each other’s present and future because life without that person would be, well, would not be life. you don’t have to love the same food, movies or travel destinations because really, it’s not so much about the activity as it is about the person. just being with them. it’s who they are, and what that means to you. only you know. you’re okay to give your oh-so-delicate heart to them. you’re okay handing them that part of you that no one else has seen in its entirety because this is it. because before you know it, you’ve decided. he/she is my lobster.

but really is it a fairy-tale or is love a not-so-simple miracle?

i’ve recently had discussions with single male and female friends who feel that it is indeed a miracle. an intricate and complicated miracle. simple too because it only takes one.


and everyone is searching for it. whether you are religious, straight, british or you love rock. it doesn’t matter. everyone.

i have to admit something, on this public forum, on my little corner of the internet. it absolutely terrifies me. to the point that i have yet to fully hand someone that red delicate mush we call a heart. in my search for it i’ve only handed partial parts. and those parts have been damaged so i put them back and say “never again”.

but that’s not the point is it? because when you do find it your heart isn’t going back with a lock and key. nope, it’s open and may (and probably will) feel the pain that is human weakness. despite how hard we try, we often hurt the ones we love the most. and isn’t the point of giving away your love is not to expect anything in return? to experience the freedom of giving without the chain of selfishness.

so, yes, i’m scared.

when i met him, i didn’t think all of these things straight away. they came piece by piece. and maybe that’s the way it is – although recently i’ve gotten into a habit of shedding the “what it’s supposed to be” because that tends to ruin things. believe me. i know.

finally, i thought, i’m ready. at least i think i am.  there’s attraction, and oh. being with him makes me giddy. we happen to love the same food, travel destinations and movies. i respect who he is and who he can become. he infiltrated my daily thoughts. and for once, i wanted to give him my oh-so-delicate heart. you see, i’ve never wanted to give someone my heart in its entirety because fear only lets me give away a part of it. so i was excited. and it felt a little irrational.

then wham, our presents didn’t quite match up. well, it did and it didn’t. and i was left quite disorientated. bewildered. distraught.

but it’s not yet quite finished. i’m not quite done, and i don’t think he is either. perhaps it’s foolishness to think that it just has to work in some way. it. just. has. to. because surely in this situation the only thing we will be left with is pain. but the thought that we are so close keeps us holding on. and frankly, i just don’t want to let go. not yet.

yes, i think love is a miracle.



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