2013, October

hi. i know, i know i’ve been awol for the last couple of weeks. being completely {and unhealthily} angry at life played a part. we didn’t have internet in our apartment for nearly 3 weeks, and then my laptop died just over a week ago. i felt like i had been thrown back into the 90’s as my phone only works in our basement apartment when we have wi-fi. weird.

i’m also slowly coming out of my ‘just wanting to hibernate’ mood. for the last 5 – 6 weeks i have literally not wanted to see or talk to anyone. i’m surprised i made it to work every day. but i guess work has been a good distraction. fuelled by uncertainty over what the next year is going to bring me, life has certainly handed me a few lemons recently. when i say handed i mean thrown in my face so that the lemons spilt open and i get a seed or two in my eye. it doesn’t help that i’m a cancerian and we tend to be creatures ruled by our emotions, which is a good and bad thing.

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life could be worse, but for now the fact i don’t know what continent i’m going to be living on in the next year, or not even knowing where i want to live/do/be makes someone like me, who likes to have a plan for almost every aspect of my life, feel completely and utterly exhausted. so i forced myself to be social, as much as i could. which i’m not sure was a great idea as i ended up saying ridiculously awkward things to friends and strangers alike. i went to visit some friends and when they asked where i had been, i replied that i didn’t like people so didn’t want to socialize with anyone. what? i was being honest, but really that was unfair of me. and their facial expressions told me it wasn’t the best of things to say, especially when they might wonder if they were under the people i didn’t like category.

it wasn’t one person or a group of people in particular. it was everyone. collectively. and i really didn’t want to offend.

i can definitely attribute some of it to the pressure i put on myself to be perfect at everything, at believing the lie that i am “supposed” to be at a certain point in my life at 28.

so you see there was a good reason for not blogging. and i felt guilty about even thinking about expressing these thoughts on my little corner of the internet – because really who wants to read angry words from a frustrated twenty-something year-old? and really i want to keep this blog as a positive space.

i posted this meme a while ago because it made me laugh out loud.

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and it totally describes how i feel right now.

here’s to weekend getaways, large chocolate consumption, laughing till your belly hurts and watching several hours of white collar on netflix, because when life throws you lemons and all you want to do is not make lemonade but stomp your foot, cry a lot a little and ask for cake instead, it’s absolutely okay. because let’s be honest, this too shall pass.

m.

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